Sunday, January 11, 2009

Back to School....public school that is

Let me start by saying that I hate long posts. I don't like making them and I don't like reading others' long posts. But I felt the need to put this all out there....then I will move on to better posts. You know, the kind with pictures.

After Christmas I enrolled the kids in public school. This decision was made over two months ago, which makes it kind of funny about fighting with the atheists about homeschooling when I knew I was putting the kids back in public school the whole time. But to me, it wasn't about that, it was about my right and capability as their parent to homeschool them.

I still believe that I am capable of doing it. That had nothing to do with my decision to put them in public school, and I will explain. At first I wasn't sure if I should be completely honest or be vague about my reasons. After being attacked for simply existing, I wasn't sure if I wanted to put myself out there again wide open. But this is my blog and I've been nothing but honest on it, so I will keep with that tradition.

The reason I put them back in ps is because I needed some time for myself. I have been struggling with depression for well over a year now, if not close to two years. I've been aware that it was getting worse and worse for me last January. Depression isn't something new for me, so I just dealt with it like I always have....just keep trying to make it through each day. For my loyal readers, I'm sure you noticed a decline in posting in the fall. I just didn't have it in me to do it.

In August it all sort of rushed in when a friend of ours was killed in a car accident. If you read my blog, you will remember the post's I made about Will. That opened a floodgate of emotion for me. It brought back feelings from when both my dad and my brother were killed in car accident's. A few weeks later my husband's grandmother passed away and then a few weeks after that my father-in-law moved in with us.

It was just a lot of stress and apparently I can't handle stress well at all and it turns right into depression. Bad depression. One weekend I told Aaron that I just couldn't do it anymore and I had to see a doctor. So I went and talked to our doctor and let him know that I had no intentions of leaving his office without medication. He agreed and gave me a prescription.

After a few weeks I could definitely feel the difference, but it wasn't enough. I would still have bad bouts of depression, triggered by stress. I also developed an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia. I had to say develop because agoraphobia is something that I have had for years. It affected me in high school but not so much in my adult years, until now.

For those of you who don't know what it is an explanation.

The essential feature of Agoraphobia is anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms.

Agoraphobic fears typically involve characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.

In high school I would never eat in restaurants and I couldn't go into the grocery store by myself. This time around, it's more like it's difficult for me to even leave my house. And it's not like I am scared per se, it's more like I have a panic attack. It is so hard for me to explain this to people, who aren't familiar with depression or panic attacks.

Really I have a good life. I get to stay at home with the kids, I have a great husband who loves me and is supportive of me, everything seems so good. But I wanted to just walk away. I wanted to walk away, forget about them and start all over. Because then they would be happy and I would be happy. That is how I felt and the fact that I couldn't and wouldn't ever do that to my family made it more depressing. I don't know why. I wish I could and I would so share that with you.

And let me take this opportunity to say that I would never hurt my children. Ever. I would never hurt myself. I do not believe in suicide at all. I believe that I will see my brother and father again when I die. But if I take my own life, that chance is gone. Some people believe that and some don't. But it's too big of a risk to me and I would never throw away an opportunity to see them again. I just wanted to explain that because there is such a negativity that surrounds a mom when it's announced that she has depression.

If anyone reading this feels that they might be depressed, please go to a doctor. Seriously, you will feel so much better. If you don't have a doctor or don't know where to go, email me and I will search and find somewhere that can help you. As best I can , I will try to help you get help.

So with all of that going on this fall, homeschooling just became harder and harder for me to do each day. I would end up putting it off until later in the afternoon and it felt like we weren't accomplishing anything. So back in November I decided that I would enroll the kids in ps in January. They started on Thursday and so far so good. They are enjoying it and making new friends. Overall, I am really glad I made that decision.

And for the first time ever, I am at home with no kids. And it's pretty awesome I must say! I told Aaron that I will actually have time to read a book! Or paint, or make hair bows! I actually have a minute to myself. So I now have time (and quiet) to work on making myself better. I don't want to stay on meds forever so I needed a less stressful enviroment.

Here are some resource's for anyone going through the same thing.


Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Wow, Cortni, especially after all that with the atheists and their junk.

But honey, if you just keep praying over those kids every day, and make sure they understand the Biblical worldview of their books, they're gonna be fine.

And maybe God will choose to restore your health so you can bring them home again. Because I know, as a fellow homeschooler, that your deepest desire is to have them home, and God knows that too.

Just keep seeking Him EVERY day, and He will light your path for you. Hang in there, girl.

Teacher of One said...

from one whose been there... not all meds are created equal. 1 made me starving and I gained 30 lbs, one made me angry all the time, one did nothing and my current is magic. If you feel it's not doing its thing you can change.

Helen said...

Big hugs for you!

Melanie said...

{{hugs}} I'm glad that you recognized and did what was right for you and your family. I hope that you get to feeling better.

Holly said...

I haven't been keeping up with my reading of blogs lately. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. *hugs* to you. My mom has battled depression all of my life. I am glad you did what was right for you and your family! Many Many *hugs* to you!

Holly said...

I am sorry I am behind on reading! *hugs* to you. My mom battled and still does depression all of my life! *hugs*

Holly said...

Ok, nevermind on this message and the last one! LOL!! I posted the last one and didn't see it on here so I posted another one and then saw that it needed to be approved first! duh!!! So just deleted this one and that last one!